Learning the Language of Support
In almost every exchange with your student—whether you’re talking, texting, or even IMing—parents have a chance to support and encourage success in the classroom, participation in out-of-class activities, and the ability to get through those inevitable tough times.
Badger Parent frequently consults with students, parents, faculty, and staff members for advice on the best ways to “learn the language” of support and encouragement so that parents can be effective mentors to their students.
To succeed academically, the group agreed, other facets of a student’s life—including the transition to college, health, and state of mind—need to be in synch. The key to promoting this kind of wellness is learning as much as you can about how your son or daughter is feeling, while also being open and nonjudgmental.
“My mom is always available when I need someone to listen to me vent,” says Sarah K., a current UW–Madison student. “Talking to her is a way for me to talk out my problems, and she only gives advice if I ask.”
Keep in mind that the support a student needs most may change, depending upon the issue—and sometimes as frequently as day to day.
Christopher Lee, an assistant dean in the College of Letters and Science, says that, as a parent, you have an advantage: knowing your student as well as you do provides clues to the real issues.
“Listen carefully to your own gut,” he says. “Students are often unwilling to admit problems to their parents, even though they would like to.”
Lee advises that it’s always better to frame the discussion with a question—such as, “How are you feeling about school?”—than to start by asking if something is wrong.
Asking open-ended questions, rather than asserting opinions, is another way to approach the conversation, he adds.
For example, if your student says, “I’m not good at chemistry,” you could respond with, “I know you are smart and can do it. Keep trying.” This response, while supportive, has limitations. It places the student in the position of having to prove that he or she is smart by doing well.
Instead, parents can ask, “What are you having trouble with?” This question is more likely to elicit useful information about what is wrong, ranging from problems with math to not attending lectures. When students are given the chance to identify the problems themselves, they are much more likely to attempt to solve them, Lee says.
Susan Brantly, professor of Scandinavian Studies and director of the Bradley Learning Community, agrees that it is important to listen and sympathize when your student calls and is homesick or frustrated about something. But, she says, it’s then most helpful to encourage him or her to begin solving the problems independently.
For students living in University Housing, house fellows or residence life staff are particularly adept at coaching students to solve problems and redirecting them to the many campus resources.
Cathy Middlecamp, distinguished faculty associate in the chemistry department, reminds parents that a student’s health can have a major impact on academic performance near the end of the semester. If your student is sending e-mails at 2 a.m. or is sounding particularly worn out during your conversations, remind him or her to pay attention to the basics, such as sleeping enough and eating well, to stay healthy.
“This is about the time of the semester that everyone gets tired and ill,” she says. “Signs of exhaustion are frequently followed by illness. Stakes are higher now when [students] get sick, in terms of making up lectures or assignments.”
Beyond mental and physical wellness, parents can encourage their student to participate in activities that supplement academic experiences, such as study abroad, undergraduate research, or leadership programs — all of which are components of the Wisconsin Experience, and some of which are unique to UW–Madison.
The key is knowing which approach to take. It’s important for students to be successful in the classroom and to be engaged in the Wisconsin Experience.
“Some students may be independent enough to do things on their own, while others may need more encouragement from parents,” Middlecamp says.
Parents who attended First-Year Parents’ Weekend in November offered these suggestions for supporting students:
- Support your student’s independence and have confidence in his or her decision-making ability
- Allow your student to make mistakes
- Encourage your student to try new things
- Unconditionally support your student through good grades and bad
- Share fun things happening with the family back home so your student is still in the loop
- Let your student know that you love him or her and that you are always there for him or her
- Offer advice, not directions
- Call to offer words of encouragement
- Send postcards, gifts, and food
Parents offered this list of things to avoid:
- Criticizing your student or expecting him or her to fulfill your personal goals
- Calling too much. Let your child take the lead with correspondence at first and then set up a weekly schedule, if need be.
- Trying to make decisions for your student
- Hovering. Some things they have to learn on their own.
- Trying to over-manage your student’s experience
- Pressuring your student with unreasonable expectations. Give him or her some time to figure it out.
Current Badgers comment on their parents:
“My parents were supportive of me academically; they encouraged me to get good grades and to find out what I was interested in. They loved me from afar.”
–Hannah K.
“My parents let me call them: if I didn’t, it meant I was too busy. They also visited me two to three times during the semester, which was just enough.”
–Mallory S.
“My parents have always been my greatest cheerleaders, instilling within me the strength needed to overcome any challenge. I would call them twice a week freshman year to share any tidbit of my life, be it exciting or stressful, and they were always so excited to listen.”
–Val K.